My boy Riley's mom, Colleen, is in a Washington state hospital with a serious respiratory disease that may be the end for her. I talked to Riley yesterday and asked him to extend my love to her.
In the early eighties my friend Steve Smith invited me over to his shop in Oakland to check out his new Apple computer, it was the first to hit the market and I was the computer guy.
One of his employees was a petite fiery redhead named Colleen Bangert. We hooked up later that night at a party at Steve's house, and began a decades long relationship.
It was a wild ride, and I enjoyed most of it. We had many crazy times together, like the time I kicked her out of my little white sports car in the middle of the Mexican desert, and drove off. Obviously, I came back.
I was right outside that hospital room when Riley was born and placed in my arms. I was so grateful to Colleen for giving me one more chance to be a dad. We eventually split as a couple, but I stayed on as his proud father.
I remember opening a box of old photos when Steph and I arrived in Idaho. One picture stood out, a hot redhead standing on a beach in a little red bikini, and Steph said "Who's this?"
When I told her it was Colleen, her jaw dropped, hell my jaw dropped, I forgot how hot she was.
Now her moment of leaving here is near. I congratulate her on a good life, and for being a good mother. I look forward to seeing her on the other side.
I think the connection between my memory, and it's every second involvement with my brain matter, has been damaged.
I have these things I call Jaggies, brain electrical connections flowing in front of my vision.
I'm rapidly losing my ability to form words into sentences, or even remembering events or people, in the last couple months.
I honestly believe it's from falls over the last few years, where I've struck the back of my head.
One fall about three years ago sent me to the local hospital, and all the tests and machines said I was ok. I took a tumble down a BNB stairwell with family in Nashville recently. I got pain pills for my hurt right shoulder.
It's all tied together. Over the years I've survived as a lonely old man on a dead end street in the deep south, drinking vodka, taking pain meds, and smokin when I could.
My sweet beautiful grand-daughter Shelby and I were playing Lecture Wars tonight, and she told me stories about my life in that house which led up to my current condition. No food, a bare pantry, but plenty of vodka.
These were stories based on her observations, and comments from the neighbors. I was a fucking mess when neighbor Daniel found me that day, called 911, then Shelby, and Riley.
I was taking Parkinsons meds and Celebrex for my shoulder pain, which I had probably stopped taking at that point.
I was just waiting to pass on. The county would swoop in, cremate me and plant me in the local paupers cemetery, then put a write-up in the Wed weekly paper.
So now here I am, taking a dozen meds daily, sitting in a great, steaming hot man-cave in a beautiful place in Florida.
Shelby keeps trying to get me to eat, hmmm, I think that was lecture two or three. I really try, but I have no, what do you call it? appetite!
We're working on a slice of meatloaf and mashed potatoes tonight.
She also want's to take me on a walk up some steps to an ocean view tomorrow. If my legs are working, let's go!
But now, I've got an invite to watch a comedy on her big screen from her couch. Good night...
Update: The neighborhood cat walked into the man cave and we made friends. Her name is Luna, very sweet...
I went through my wallet today and found a 1993 Solid Silver Round coin in a soft plastic sleeve.
I don't remember who gave it to me, but someday, when my long bearded old body is found in the desert, sticky notes scattered around me reminding me of my life, and a jug of vodka jammed into my sun-burned lips, maybe some family member will check it out.
I could also use it to buy a jug of vodka, when my wallet is completely empty but for the coin, and I'm ready to head for the desert. But I won't be holding it then.
Either way, I like it. Whoever gave it to me, thanks!
Most of my remaining friends and family blame alcohol for my condition. Whenever I want a drink now, I get the lecture. So, not only am I blaming myself, I have verbal re-reinforcements that help confirm it.
Questions like "Do you really need that drink?" pop up all the time. Sometimes it happens on the first one, which implies quitting completely. Now I'm getting full lectures often, mostly from the people directly involved in that early April incident, and that still care about me.
Shelby's getting better, she's pretty much laid it in my lap. She's offering me an opportunity to get myself well, to beat an addiction, and it's totally up to me to win and succeed, or to fail and die.
What I've learned in my old life, is that lecturing is counter-intuitive. The person being lectured already feels terrible, and dumping your one sided opinions on them, just hurts, and they often feel worse.
It's almost 9pm and I've had some breakfast, ate a lime popcicle for dinner, and I'm fine. I'm sitting at the big round table with my two round chairs and the little round table in between, writing this post in crazy heat with the garage door wide open into the neighborhood, and I'm home.
As I look around I realize I have landed once again, with the few physical possessions I value from my long life, around me. Those that I don't have anymore, don't matter. I guess that includes people.
btw: I've been writing this, sitting next to a great liquor cabinet, and I haven't had a fucking drink all day!
I got an invite to go to the beach again yesterday. I can't remember over the past years when I got an invite like that two days in a row, so I said yea.
I had fun, got a professional back rub, I'm a bit blacker and $140 poorer (I think I got the tab).
I should have stayed home and took care of the dogs, apparently they hired someone to do that last night.
I feel like shit, my bodies reacting to the lack of food, (my chosing) and the abuse of other things. The garage door is half open and it's over a hundred degrees in here. Meanwhile it's freezing inside Shelby's house, she likes the air cranked down cold.
Someone is sending PDFs to my phone and it wanted to install a reader. I said ok then it wanted to install a desktop organizer. Fuck this shit, if you send me a PDF it ain't getting read. I helped Adobe create this format decades ago, ain't this ironic.
I'm beginning to look for a shell and ask my landlord for my shotgun back...
We're going shopping in a bit, I need a protein drink!
Shelby just set a tasty plate of rice and chicken down in front of me, guess I've got energy for the store now, and somehow my phone is back alive, as am I.
It was a fun Saturday at Pensacola Beach on a hot sunny day. Shelby and I arrived about noon, in her beautiful blond girfriends Lexus, with the friend as passenger and me in the back. The boats were pouring into the harbor with gusto and the party was on.
Our buddies boat was the biggest and loudest, and I think he won. In the process of moving from the dock through the water to his boat, I thought I heard Shelby say just stick your phone in your pocket, it's waterproof.
I'm noticing that as my brain declines, I hear things as I want to hear, not as they are. Which was the case with the phone, I thought I had killed it, when everyones eyes on the boat got big as I pulled it from my bathing suit pocket, but it came back this morning, thank god.
I had a dog visitor on my bed last night, so I had them both secured down in the man cave this morning, sitting on my lap, when the girls burst in all laughing and giggling at the sight.
I like girls, especially when they're still in their nighties looking for their dogs...
I fell again today. It was a weird one, peddling hard on Shelbs exercise bike with my sandals on, outside the grips.
She moved it out onto the driveway so I could watch TV. I began peddling and moving hard, than she handed me some weights and the exercise routine was on!
My rhythm with the bike was perfect, than I lost it for a split second. I thrust my body forward, extending my hand to grab the bike handle, and missed it.
I expected the bike to roll with me, nope. Suddenly I found myself thrust from the fucking thing into a vertical position, even with the handle. I was three feet from the ground and fell straight down.
I landed equally with the back of my head and my old back bouncing off the concrete. I have blood on my head and elbow.
It didn't hurt, I take too many pills. It left no marks, I'm too tan.
It's been an interesting day down here in Pensacola FL and it's sister city, Gulf Whatever. Shelby drove us up and around the Peninsula coastline and it's a damn pretty place.
We picked up Stormy's boy to help with the hard labor of setting up our house with the stuff in the garage. Everything got done today and it looks great.
The goal was to line the left side of the garage with the TV and exercise bike, with my tables and chairs on the right. It works great and it feels like my place back home in Tennessee now.
I'm sure this space will evolve as we enjoy and change everything around. Shelby and I butt heads all the time, on many issues, but we blend on this.
The garage door remains open all day, I've met a couple neighbors, hey, it's the garage. I'm the great Shelby Hamilton's grand-father, I'm a great man in my own right, we share success!
Both garage doors are open, it's rainy, and nice... I smell the ocean, I need to get there. Love to all.
It's Wed, middle of June and I keep thinking I should go home, been on the road long enough, then I realize I am home.
Started out with a body painful morning and Shelby bitched me out of it. I say that with love and gratitude. She also had me jump start Jill and I drove her to town for the first time, with Shelby along to make sure the GPS was correct.
Ya know, you spend all that money on a pretty jet blue Mercedes then you can't afford a trip to town...
It's going to be interesting learning this place, it took me half a decade to learn Lawrenceburg, TN. Right now I've got to learn this house as we put it together.
Mechanical, electronic and electrical devices haunt my life lately, it's hard to get things to work. Everything was already headed South before that episode and then bam, my knowledge was gone.
As the weeks advance, my role as house and dog watcher will evolve. Shelby needs to hit the road for work and my job is to take care of the place, and not get Zinny too fat.
Sitting in my favorite chair, next to the old worn out warm shirt I've had since Idaho.
I'm currently somewhere in N Florida, just had to let the dog off the pink chain and bring inside. He was barking at the neighbors.
Life is simple, I have my laptop on a footstool in front of me while my old favorite big table off to the left catches my stuff.
Shelby's mad at me, which means the rest of the family also is. I try to explain there are ways to ease my pain, but folks ain't buying it.
Life is pills, sobriety, and the loss of manhood...
Page 5 of 7