An old buddy dropped by this morning and he looked great. He's in his fifties and still has his hair, lot's of it, everywhere on his head and face. He looks like a wild Harley rider. (oh wait, he is) He's got truck driver grit vibes. (oh yea...)
He's got years of cross country semi driving experience, and his eyes lit up when I told him about the big growers party I attended back in the late seventies, up in the Carmel Valley hills outside Monterey, CA. It's been almost fifty years so I'm comfortable being specific.
These were the scientists that cultivated the products that are now sold legally around the country. Picture thirty to forty grown men, with their long haired hippy wives, walking around a big house with fat hand rolls of their own stuff, looking to share and show it off.
I'm getting buzzed just remembering that night. It was the same place where I took a big bag of leaf from a grower buddy and made the Thanksgiving turkey stuffing with it. Yea, it was an amazing evening, only my lady friend and I knew, and nobody got hurt, just mellowed.
I've been blogging across two domains for a decade and a half now. Laying my heart on the Net, trying to share who I am, if anyone cared.
I landed in the South six years ago come Fall, said goodbye to my Idaho based blog, and started this one.
I have poured my heart, my soul, my sadness, my love, my everything out to the world from here. I'm an old man that's becoming very real, mostly confused, and longing for love.
My brother Dana ended up in the California Mental Institution system for the last years of his life. He was an amazing and good man. He rescued me from Golden Gate park at the height of the Haight Ashbury, after I overdosed on the original Meth. We had a wonderful but tortured relationship, and loved each other.
I was there when he was abducted by a ship I remember seeing, as we camped out as kids, on the side of a Sierra Nevada mountain. They had him back in our camp by morning, and he was never the same.
There, but for the grace of God, go I. They could have grabbed me, a three year younger specimen, and this old blog would not exist.
It's been an interesting morning. Picked up my smokin buddy and came back to my place, and now I've got a McDonald's DoorDash heading here.
He called a friend this morning and I listened to them talk from my neighboring chair. It was a very nice lady with a great voice, retired military, and she was suffering from some of the same medical stuff I'm going through.
I liked her a lot, and asked to talk to her. We exchanged compliments about each others voices, I found out she is a recent widower, and about ten years younger than me.
She's looking for a three bedroom place around Lawrenceburg, with some storage, and accepts a support dog. If you're local, and know of such, hit me up! (see About above)
I just got text messages from the two most important people in my life.
My grand-daughter Shelby said: Don't stop blogging, and who cares what you post, it's not hurting anybody.
And my son Riley said: I would not be the man I am today without you in my life dad. I credit so much to you, I just wish I could repay you. Anyway possible so that your not lost or depressed. I love you so much and I hate to hear or see you down.
So, on those notes, this blog goes on!
I'm sorry, been writing some really pathetic posts lately. I've now done my best to get rid of the most recent ones, but this blog goes back five and a half years, so I've missed a whole bunch.
A long time buddy just reached out with a scathing email, saying the reason I'm down to just a couple of friends, no woman, and running out of money is because I'm a pathetic drunk.
She's absolutely right, and at least she took the time to ream me a new asshole. Sometimes you don't need to hear what you already know, sometimes all you need is a kind word, not a long lecture.
I could shut this blog down in less than a minute, where all that would appear is the word Done in the upper left corner. All of my visual content, the occasional good post, and all of the stupid shit, would be gone.
But I'm not going to do that, I'm going to try and leave it right here for a while. I'll try to stop making a fool of myself, because old pathetic drunken idiots should not have the right!
It's been a messed up day. I went into town for supplies at Krogers, ended up buying just three jugs of water. Took the backroads home because they were shutting 43 down to two lanes for some reason.
My smokin buddy called and wanted to hook up, never did, that would require me driving to his place, and all I wanted to do was go home and drink.
Daniel came over for a while and I was abusing him with videos from my YouTube channel while searching for the total eclipse video in Driggs, ID a few years back. He walked out, saying he'd seen all this shit, and the video of the plane flight from San Pedro to Belize made him ill.
So here I am, 1700 on 3/22/24, in a hick town in Southern Tennessee. I only have a couple friends here, and I'm beginning to wonder why I still have them.
I am alone in my small place. Staying alive for some reason, miserable, crying, muttering what the hell.
I know that with all my achievements in technology, I should have landed way better, but I have not.
I was telling Daniel that it has been more than seven years since I've held a woman's breast in my hand. The sad truth is I have landed on a dead-end street as a lonely old man, savings almost gone, and I am broken.
Erica trimmed everything on my head, except my goatee, down to nothing today. She works on consignment at Kim's Hair Salon, they really don't have a front desk there, and I was her Thursday morning appointment.
She is also Daniels hair dresser and it had been so long since she's seen me, she accused me of cheating on her to him the other day.
I made it up to her today as the hair fell from my head. She told me her grandmother is near her end, and she's my age. She has a great family, an eighteen year old, eight and nine year olds, and a two year old!
She's also very pretty with light blue eyes. Daniel and I are lucky to have found her, and followed her from the beauty college to this new spot at Kim's.
I was very honest with her today, and like a good hair cutter, she listened. I told her my drinking is out of control, don't remember the last two evenings, probably won't remember tonight.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm such a mess lately. I landed here going on six years ago, with my best friend, the woman I loved. She had family here, two granddaughters I was looking forward to watching grow up.
They've all been gone from my life for a while now. I have no family here, and I'm just a heartbroken old man.
If I don't write it down here, I won't remember life. Some things I'm sorry I remember, and they go in the trash.
I'm really depressed, don't even remember going to bed the last two nights. But I remember my hair appointment with Erica today at 1000. I haven't had hair cut from my head since she did it before Christmas last year.
If I wasn't so anti-suicide, I'd cancel that appointment. As it is, I have no choice.
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