I realize I'm not an ideal man and I'm so far away from that point, it's laughable. But if you came up with a definition for that, like what defines a ten in the world of modern American men, where would you or the man you love, land?

I know one, my son back in the Seattle area. He's a ten in everyone's book, his wife and young girls, and the people he does business with. I would also have to say the same about my grand daughter Shelby's man Dan.

As my own life crumbles, I look around me and wish I could have landed so much better, but I have not. I'm a drunk, of which neither of those are. I have no career, I have no integrity, and I have no partner.

I try to come up with a number for myself and the best I can do, is five! As I watch the world news, I see real assholes out there, men and women who don't even deserve a number much less a life. I have not fallen to that level thank god. I respect the world around me and the people who live in it.

Many times I don't respect myself, but I stop there. Everyone deserves respect from the world, until they don't by their actions. Over the years I have helped people rise to respect, and I am proud of that, one of the best things as a man I have done.

Lately I notice people around me trying to do the same for me, and I am very grateful. I don't know what's wrong, I really try but I fail, like I have now. I try to justify things like "at least I'm not a mass murderer!" or "at least I'm a good guy!", but all of that falls empty on the worlds ears, if I can't stop drinking...

My dear close friend of many decades, Sherry from California, follows my convoluted life and thinks the solution is am alcoholic rehab live-in center. Not just a place to live but a place to learn and recover.

I think she is right, and I would give my life to that God, if they would have me...