Medical stuff really confuses me lately. I see the world full of illness, things that may be affecting me now, and that could rear their ugly heads at any time and kill me.

I have a new Primary Care doctor, and on my recent first visit I got weighed, pressure checked and blood drawn. Is modern medicine so amazing that they can test for every disease that exists, from a small tube of fluid?

All he did was re-up my meds and schedule some neurology stuff in December. I haven't heard back, so I guess I'm fine.

I have absolutely no idea what tests were performed on me as I was moved around multiple medical facilities up in Tennessee early this year, and I actually don't remember any of it...

I used to have complete control of my life. I took care of my truck and the little house I lived in. I bought my own food, and cooked it. I made all of my own decisions.

I went to doctors I chose to go to, and only took meds that I researched and agreed upon. I paid all my bills on time and I lived within the means of my fixed SS income.

I had everything but a partner. The truth is, I had everything I deserved. Shelby has advised me lately that I'm not taking responsibility for my actions, and she is absolutely right.

I guess it's human nature to try and lay the blame for our own fuckups, on other people and events. I realize now, that I am guilty of doing that. I accept it, and I'm sorry if I have hurt or unjustly blamed anyone along this crazy path called life.

Depression is just a state of self pity, combined with the hopelessness of an empty existence. I have no right to be depressed now, and it almost ended my life in Tennessee.